1 00:00:01,802 --> 00:00:05,106 Earl, i noticed you're still alive. 2 00:00:05,139 --> 00:00:06,507 What's your secret? 3 00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:08,676 Well, it's my positive attitude, 4 00:00:08,709 --> 00:00:10,178 a little bit of genetics, 5 00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:13,114 and knowing how to take care of your body. 6 00:00:13,147 --> 00:00:15,183 I use jojoba. 7 00:00:15,216 --> 00:00:17,251 What is that, like a lotion? 8 00:00:17,285 --> 00:00:21,122 No, it's a ho named hoba. 9 00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:23,657 She comes over once a week. 10 00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:26,094 (peter bjorn and John) * ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh 11 00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:27,661 [cash register bell dings] 12 00:00:27,695 --> 00:00:33,167 * ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh * 13 00:00:35,403 --> 00:00:37,271 Max, you just got box delivered at home. 14 00:00:37,305 --> 00:00:38,539 I don't want another box. 15 00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:40,541 I got my hands full with this one. 16 00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:43,744 I used to have so many packages delivered to my house, 17 00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:47,148 my dad had to buy fedex just to save money. 18 00:00:47,181 --> 00:00:50,118 I remember a time before mail. 19 00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:52,153 You just didn't get stuff. 20 00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:53,754 Nope. I don't want that. 21 00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:55,523 It's a delivery from my mother. 22 00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:57,425 The last thing she delivered was me, 23 00:00:57,458 --> 00:00:59,260 and I'm still cleaning up that mess. 24 00:01:01,129 --> 00:01:03,297 Aren't you at least curious what she sent? 25 00:01:03,331 --> 00:01:04,698 Unless it's a brand new childhood, 26 00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:07,301 I'm not interested. 27 00:01:07,335 --> 00:01:09,170 Here, Earl, hold Max's box. 28 00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:13,073 But she's like a daughter to me. 29 00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:16,577 Look, Caroline, i brought in my fish tank, 30 00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:20,614 which Max has been calling my olympic-size swimming pool. 31 00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:26,420 See, han? The world's different above sea-level. 32 00:01:32,226 --> 00:01:34,728 Now, come over here and say hello. 33 00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:36,464 I'm saying hello to fish now? 34 00:01:36,497 --> 00:01:37,865 That's where I'm at? 35 00:01:37,898 --> 00:01:39,367 You too, Max. 36 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,469 I want my diner family to meet my fish family. 37 00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:43,204 I got an aunt that drinks like a fish. 38 00:01:43,237 --> 00:01:44,805 Maybe she's in there. 39 00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:49,343 Oh, no, she's in jail for vehicular manslaughter. 40 00:01:49,377 --> 00:01:52,313 Please enjoy my ecosystem of love. 41 00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:56,384 Never tap on the glass! 42 00:01:56,417 --> 00:01:58,352 Just look at that meaty paw of yours. 43 00:01:58,386 --> 00:02:01,589 It's like an earthquake to them. 44 00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:02,756 Oh, there's my prize. 45 00:02:02,790 --> 00:02:04,658 The royal blue tang fish. 46 00:02:04,692 --> 00:02:06,494 $500. 47 00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:08,729 Han, I'm not surprised you have to pay for blue tang, 48 00:02:08,762 --> 00:02:11,932 but $500 seems high. 49 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:16,337 Hey han, jojoba'll do it for 25. 50 00:02:16,370 --> 00:02:18,572 Well, i hope your fish will be very happy here. 51 00:02:18,606 --> 00:02:21,242 I mean, no one else is, but who knows. 52 00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:23,377 Let's go, Max. 53 00:02:23,411 --> 00:02:27,215 [Speaking Ukrainian] 54 00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:36,557 Did Oleg take Liam neeson's daughter? 55 00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:40,394 I'm breaking up with all my ladies 56 00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:41,705 so i can start up again with Sophie. 57 00:02:41,729 --> 00:02:44,532 And oksana's not taking it lying down, 58 00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:48,669 or bent over like she usually is. 59 00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:51,805 Well, I'm sorry i never got to meet her. 60 00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:54,642 Just tell her that you and Sophie have decided to be... 61 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,677 What's the Ukrainian word for "monogamy"? 62 00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,412 There isn't one. 63 00:02:58,446 --> 00:03:01,682 You're either ugly or you're sleeping with everyone. 64 00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:07,988 Uh-uh. No way. 65 00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:08,789 Leave it out here. 66 00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:12,293 Let the bomb-squad figure it out. 67 00:03:12,326 --> 00:03:13,637 Don't you wanna know what she sent you? 68 00:03:13,661 --> 00:03:14,828 Maybe there's money in there. 69 00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:17,965 [Obnoxious laughter] 70 00:03:20,268 --> 00:03:21,845 So you're just gonna leave it out in the hall 71 00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:23,704 like a room service tray? 72 00:03:23,737 --> 00:03:26,840 Oh, my god, i used to have room service. 73 00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:29,643 Oh, my god, i used to have a room. 74 00:03:29,677 --> 00:03:31,779 Well, i don't want it in the apartment. 75 00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:35,416 This is a place of positive energy and good vibes. 76 00:03:35,449 --> 00:03:37,385 [Obnoxious laughter] 77 00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:41,489 I'm sending it back to her tomorrow. 78 00:03:41,522 --> 00:03:45,493 I will go to my shallow, unmarked grave 79 00:03:45,526 --> 00:03:47,261 not knowing what's in that box. 80 00:03:47,295 --> 00:03:49,229 [Knock at door] 81 00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:52,433 Hey, Max, you got a box out here, 82 00:03:52,466 --> 00:03:56,470 and there's a bear in it! 83 00:03:56,504 --> 00:03:59,473 Oh, my god. 84 00:03:59,507 --> 00:04:00,741 She kept that? 85 00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:02,476 How did my mom ever keep that? 86 00:04:02,510 --> 00:04:05,546 She can't even keep her teeth. 87 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:06,747 That's what was in the box? 88 00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:08,649 A Teddy ruxpin doll? 89 00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:11,952 Are you registered at mustybears. Com? 90 00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:13,954 Not a doll and not his name. 91 00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:16,790 I had it legally changed to t-rux. 92 00:04:16,824 --> 00:04:18,526 I used the same lawyer my mom hired 93 00:04:18,559 --> 00:04:20,828 to declare me native American so she didn't have to pay 94 00:04:20,861 --> 00:04:23,664 for parking at the casino. 95 00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,633 For six months, i had to answer the phone, 96 00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:27,935 "Max proudfoot." 97 00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:32,039 You know, in Poland, we didn't have dolls. 98 00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:33,641 Yeah, we just hired little gypsy kids 99 00:04:33,674 --> 00:04:36,644 and we carried them around. 100 00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:39,513 Yeah, mine was called gurgio. 101 00:04:39,547 --> 00:04:43,484 Yeah, and i think uh, he had a little bit of polio. 102 00:04:46,654 --> 00:04:48,088 Hey, didn't those things talk? 103 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:50,591 They did if you had four "c" batteries. 104 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,460 Wait, i think i have some. 105 00:04:52,493 --> 00:04:54,103 Yup, they came with this adorable Teddy bear 106 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:55,729 singing cassette, so of course, 107 00:04:55,763 --> 00:04:59,733 i smashed that with a rock and made my own. 108 00:04:59,767 --> 00:05:02,803 Yeah, my gurgio didn't talk. 109 00:05:02,836 --> 00:05:05,973 I'm not sure he had a tongue. 110 00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:10,478 But he used to squeeze me really tight. 111 00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:14,482 And then i found out later, he was 35. 112 00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:19,553 You had four "c" batteries in your nightstand? 113 00:05:19,587 --> 00:05:20,921 From what? 114 00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:33,401 Do you wanna hear the bear talk or don't you? 115 00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:36,404 [Phone rings] 116 00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:37,738 Oh, I'm sorry, girls. 117 00:05:37,771 --> 00:05:39,440 I gotta take this. 118 00:05:39,473 --> 00:05:42,976 It's another guy that I'm breaking it off with. 119 00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:45,513 I sure hope Oleg's worth it. 120 00:05:45,546 --> 00:05:49,750 I just dumped a guy with multiple personalities. 121 00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:51,852 Yeah, and he took it okay, 122 00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:53,654 and not great, 123 00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:55,556 and pretty bad. 124 00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:00,628 There's no note or anything. 125 00:06:00,661 --> 00:06:03,864 This box is really just a well of disappointment. 126 00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:05,599 Why would your mother send you this? 127 00:06:05,633 --> 00:06:07,668 Why would she do anything? 128 00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,970 Why would she bite our dog? 129 00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:13,541 Why would she make out with our Jack o'lantern? 130 00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:15,976 I don't know. 131 00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:17,778 Well, Max, she did send you your favorite toy 132 00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:19,012 after all these years. 133 00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:20,614 Maybe she's trying to make amends. 134 00:06:20,648 --> 00:06:21,949 Oh, make amends? 135 00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:24,552 She couldn't even make me a sandwich. 136 00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:26,587 Okay, you ready? 137 00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:28,489 I know you are, but what am i? 138 00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:30,090 [Laughing] 139 00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:32,593 Oh, my god. Max, is that you? 140 00:06:32,626 --> 00:06:35,162 Is that your little Max voice? 141 00:06:35,195 --> 00:06:39,800 Careful, I'm about to open up a can of whoop ass. 142 00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:42,169 It is you! How old were you there? 143 00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:45,172 Ten. "Whoop ass" was kind of my thing. 144 00:06:45,205 --> 00:06:46,406 Still is. 145 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:49,176 I mean, i guess i always knew you were a little kid once, 146 00:06:49,209 --> 00:06:51,211 but i couldn't picture it till i heard that. 147 00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:52,780 Like i couldn't picture me eating fruit 148 00:06:52,813 --> 00:06:54,948 from an exxon station till i did that. 149 00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:02,623 So, are you two ready to order? 150 00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:04,725 Oh, yeah. I'll have the Turkey club with fries. 151 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:08,696 This is why you're single, Rita. 152 00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:11,031 I'm not single. I'm married to your father. 153 00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:16,036 I love you, but stop pushing your lifestyle in my face. 154 00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:18,138 I'll have the salad. Dressing on the side. 155 00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:19,940 Obvs. 156 00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:26,046 Obvs, obvs. 157 00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:29,216 Well, I'm sending t-rux back to my mother. 158 00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:30,751 He's going right into this empty box 159 00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,085 i found in han's office. 160 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,821 And Max, before you send it back, 161 00:07:33,854 --> 00:07:35,823 I'm gonna need those batteries. 162 00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:39,527 Oh, don't worry, i have no desire to see you 163 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,762 hugging the milkshake machine. 164 00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:46,667 Oh... My... God! 165 00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:49,069 Is that a Teddy ruxpin doll? 166 00:07:49,102 --> 00:07:50,638 Rita, i want that! 167 00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:52,272 Your birthday just passed, Elliot. 168 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:56,810 But my coming out party is coming up. 169 00:07:56,844 --> 00:08:01,248 What is that, like a queen-ceanera? 170 00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:05,018 So bitchy. Love her. 171 00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:07,888 A vintage Teddy ruxpin is worth like, $500, 172 00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:11,091 and my mom works, so she has to buy my love. 173 00:08:11,124 --> 00:08:15,262 One more word, and I'm taking away spa day. 174 00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:18,165 That's harsh, honey. 175 00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:19,867 He's obsessed with the '90s. 176 00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:21,735 But you weren't even born. 177 00:08:21,769 --> 00:08:23,070 I know. I blame her. 178 00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:25,739 She couldn't find a man till late in life. 179 00:08:25,773 --> 00:08:27,908 There go the pedicures. 180 00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:31,044 There go my sandals. 181 00:08:31,078 --> 00:08:35,783 As much as i love watching will and grace, 182 00:08:35,816 --> 00:08:37,184 this guy's not for sale. 183 00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:39,152 I'm sending him back to my mother's place, 184 00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:41,622 which, according to the Rhode Island parole office, 185 00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:46,627 is a cardboard shanty town outside of big lots. 186 00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:48,028 Well, here's my card. 187 00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:52,666 And let's face it, you look like you could use $500. 188 00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:57,805 So bitchy. Love him! 189 00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:02,776 I was just offered $500 for t-rux 190 00:09:02,810 --> 00:09:05,779 from baby Anderson Cooper. 191 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,016 He has cards? 192 00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:10,618 I'm jealous of a nine-year-old? 193 00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:12,219 That's where I'm at? 194 00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:14,822 Hey, as much as i would like that $500, 195 00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:16,824 my mother doesn't get to think this bear 196 00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:19,192 gets to make up for my childhood. 197 00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:20,794 She doesn't get off that easy. 198 00:09:20,828 --> 00:09:23,997 Trust me, we shared a pullout couch for nine months. 199 00:09:24,031 --> 00:09:26,066 Girls, can i see you over here? 200 00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:28,235 I can't believe we have to talk to the fish again. 201 00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:32,105 I can't believe Max hasn't put han in the tank yet. 202 00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:36,076 Max, Caroline, every night from now on, 203 00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:38,946 i need you to move the skimmer along the top of the water 204 00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:40,681 and take out the floating matter. 205 00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:44,217 Han, you know I'm off diner poop patrol for life 206 00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:47,855 after i had to clean the booth where the senior left... 207 00:09:47,888 --> 00:09:50,791 Well, we'll just call it an elderberry. 208 00:09:53,894 --> 00:09:57,197 Well, Caroline, Max said no, so you have to do it. 209 00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:59,733 Han, you're kind of a baller around your fish. 210 00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:01,168 All right, I'm gonna do this fast. 211 00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:02,836 Get in and get out... 212 00:10:02,870 --> 00:10:04,805 Same thing i do when that bird is in our shower. 213 00:10:04,838 --> 00:10:06,907 [Bell dings] Pick up, Max. 214 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,643 Look, I'm calling to tell you i met somebody else 215 00:10:09,677 --> 00:10:11,111 so I'm breaking up with you. 216 00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:14,114 Now put your mother on. I'm breaking up with her too. 217 00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:20,420 I can't believe this. 218 00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:24,091 I'm a cabana boy for fish. 219 00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,226 I guess now i can add "fish poop remover" 220 00:10:26,259 --> 00:10:31,331 to my resume next to "supreme court intern." 221 00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:35,268 I feel like there was a fish in that last one. 222 00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:36,804 Yup. 223 00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:39,039 Oh, no, it's the expensive one! 224 00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:41,374 That's so me. 225 00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:43,319 I really didn't expect to see you digging through garbage 226 00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:45,879 till you were 30. 227 00:10:45,913 --> 00:10:48,749 Oh! Ah! Ugh! It's still alive! 228 00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:50,417 I need to keep her wet. 229 00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:53,787 Oh, covered in tuna, that's gotta be traumatic for it. 230 00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:01,962 I feel like it went down the drain. 231 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:04,397 It was an accident. I swear. 232 00:11:04,431 --> 00:11:06,967 I love fish. I would never hurt one. 233 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,477 Unless you count eating Sushi, 'cause then I'm like 234 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,137 Jack the ripper. 235 00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:12,372 Caroline, are things going swimmingly? 236 00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:14,407 Jack, he's talking to you. 237 00:11:14,441 --> 00:11:16,810 Uh, oh, yeah. Swimmingly. 238 00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:18,345 Especially the blue one. 239 00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:20,080 He went in his little house. 240 00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:21,290 He doesn't like to use the restroom 241 00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:23,283 in front of his friends. 242 00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:25,819 Yeah, we're a lot alike. 243 00:11:30,891 --> 00:11:33,026 Thank you so much for seeing us so quickly. 244 00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:35,195 Sure, you guys can just wait in here. 245 00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:38,465 Elliot's finishing up with his pilates. 246 00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:40,300 Do yourselves a favor. 247 00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:43,170 Tell him his core looks tight. 248 00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:49,910 Max, I'm so sorry you have to sell t-rux 249 00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:52,412 for the fish money because of me. 250 00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:56,016 Talked to the fist, because the face is pissed. 251 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,417 I'm getting attitude from a bear? 252 00:11:57,450 --> 00:12:00,320 That's where I'm at? 253 00:12:00,353 --> 00:12:02,956 I can't believe all this stuff he has from the '90s. 254 00:12:02,990 --> 00:12:07,227 I can't believe he has to have a party to come out. 255 00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:09,096 That kid came out, out. 256 00:12:09,129 --> 00:12:13,300 His umbilical cord is a Gucci belt. 257 00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:15,903 Oh... These toys! 258 00:12:15,936 --> 00:12:18,105 This is like looking back at my childhood 259 00:12:18,138 --> 00:12:21,374 but, you know, a time before rainbows became political. 260 00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:22,442 [Gasps] 261 00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:23,443 Oh, my god. Oh, my god. 262 00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:25,378 Oh, my god. 263 00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,247 A my size Barbie! 264 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:28,181 I had ten of these. 265 00:12:28,215 --> 00:12:30,183 Not to play with, they were used as decoys 266 00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:32,319 in case of a hostage situation. 267 00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:36,990 And now your whole life's a hostage situation. 268 00:12:37,024 --> 00:12:38,258 Sorry I'm late. 269 00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:40,127 My trainer, Gary, and i got derailed 270 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,262 talking about the real housewives of orange county. 271 00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:43,831 Your core looks really good. 272 00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:46,033 I know, honey. 273 00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:50,904 Now while i get my check book, say hello to the olsens. 274 00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:52,372 You got a lot of toys. 275 00:12:52,405 --> 00:12:56,176 When i was a girl your age, i only had this. 276 00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:57,887 I don't suppose i could play with my size Barbie 277 00:12:57,911 --> 00:13:00,013 for a second. 278 00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:02,282 I feel like that's a "no, bitch." 279 00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:04,918 I'm not... I'm not just talking about the toys. 280 00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:07,087 You got a pretty sweet set-up. 281 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,489 That nice lady out there, giving you everything you want, 282 00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:11,024 taking care of you. 283 00:13:11,058 --> 00:13:14,261 She's just a mom. Everyone has one. 284 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:19,466 Not really. Some people just have bad ass bears. 285 00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:21,334 Max, are you sure about this? 286 00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:23,904 This is the only thing you have from your childhood. 287 00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:25,505 Not true, i have a dent in my skull 288 00:13:25,538 --> 00:13:28,909 from a ball-peen hammer. 289 00:13:28,942 --> 00:13:30,878 The last time i change the channel 290 00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:33,881 during three's company. 291 00:13:33,914 --> 00:13:36,383 Can we fast forward this to me having the bear 292 00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:38,051 and you two leaving? 293 00:13:38,085 --> 00:13:39,619 Okay, just take it, it doesn't matter. 294 00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,521 No, Max. It does matter. 295 00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:42,522 We're not selling this. 296 00:13:42,555 --> 00:13:44,191 He has enough toys. 297 00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:46,994 I mean, all i wanted to do was touch the life-size Barbie. 298 00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:48,428 Okay, i see what's happening. 299 00:13:48,461 --> 00:13:50,964 I've been down this road with the beanie babies. 300 00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:52,332 I'll give you 600 for the bear. 301 00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:53,266 Sold. 302 00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:54,443 No, Max! That's your childhood. 303 00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:55,468 700. Sold! 304 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:56,937 No, Max! 305 00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:59,472 Caroline, my childhood is not worth $700. 306 00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:01,541 The most my mother ever got for me was 40 bucks 307 00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:03,276 and a big gulp. 308 00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:06,079 But that's "little you" in there, Max. 309 00:14:06,113 --> 00:14:07,614 And she's priceless. 310 00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:09,025 And she's about to erased and taped over 311 00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:11,184 by the soundtrack from frozen. 312 00:14:11,218 --> 00:14:12,219 Frozen? 313 00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:16,123 Who am i? Me, a year ago? 314 00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:18,191 No. Can't have her. 315 00:14:18,225 --> 00:14:20,493 Well, what are we gonna do now about the other child? 316 00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,029 The one in the diner? 317 00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:23,964 Well, i guess he's just gonna have to grow up. 318 00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:25,508 Grow up? You think if he had that ability, 319 00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:29,636 he wouldn't have used it yet? 320 00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:32,072 So what... No bear? 321 00:14:32,105 --> 00:14:34,241 Oh, please! You'll have a bear in your life. 322 00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:36,209 Trust me. 323 00:14:42,015 --> 00:14:43,250 All right, Max. 324 00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:44,560 You're gonna help me tell him, right? 325 00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:46,153 You like giving him bad news. 326 00:14:46,186 --> 00:14:48,388 No, i like giving him bad news about how he's short 327 00:14:48,421 --> 00:14:49,389 and has a big head. 328 00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:51,591 You know, fun bad news. 329 00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,193 Exciting news! 330 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,128 I got the fishies a new house! 331 00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:58,999 I got it cheap. It was a foreclosure. 332 00:14:59,032 --> 00:15:01,101 Uh, han, can we talk to you over there 333 00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:03,136 in the booth... the far booth? 334 00:15:03,170 --> 00:15:05,372 Can it wait? I want to put in the new condo 335 00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:09,009 so Max will stop calling me a slum lord. 336 00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:10,610 Oh, that can wait, i mean, those fish 337 00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:12,145 aren't going anywhere. 338 00:15:12,179 --> 00:15:13,456 Except for the blue one, who's definitely playing 339 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:15,983 some kind of twisted game of hide and seek. 340 00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:17,426 Oh, yeah, he loves that little house. 341 00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:20,120 He's going to love this one even more. 342 00:15:20,153 --> 00:15:21,521 Max, can you join me? 343 00:15:21,554 --> 00:15:26,426 I'm pretty busy waiting on tables right now. 344 00:15:26,459 --> 00:15:27,694 Okay, what's going on? 345 00:15:27,727 --> 00:15:31,264 Max has never waited on a table in her life. 346 00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:33,100 Max, i need you over here. 347 00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:35,102 I'm just putting down this grilled cheese 348 00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:37,037 'cause i don't want it to get cold. 349 00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:40,040 Now I'm freaking out! 350 00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:41,541 Max, don't do this to me. 351 00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:44,077 I know where the bodies are buried, literally. 352 00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:47,047 I move them every six months. 353 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,315 Well, what is it? 354 00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:51,451 Han, sometimes in life, things happen 355 00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:53,553 that you don't want to happen. 356 00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:56,056 Yes. 357 00:15:56,089 --> 00:15:57,400 And even though it's hard, you know, 358 00:15:57,424 --> 00:15:59,592 you just have to face up to it. 359 00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:02,095 I suppose. 360 00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:06,066 Oh, dear god, this is rough. 361 00:16:06,099 --> 00:16:08,201 And, well... 362 00:16:08,235 --> 00:16:09,678 Han, i don't wanna have to tell you this, 363 00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:12,505 i know this is the last thing you ever want to hear... 364 00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:13,740 Oh, just say it! 365 00:16:13,773 --> 00:16:19,079 The tampon machine is broken again. 366 00:16:19,112 --> 00:16:23,116 Later, I'll get my blindfold and fix it. 367 00:16:23,150 --> 00:16:24,717 Word of advice? 368 00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:26,153 When you do finally kill me, 369 00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:28,621 you gotta work on your game face for the cops. 370 00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:30,023 Max, please. 371 00:16:30,057 --> 00:16:31,624 I can't tell han i murdered his fish. 372 00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:32,625 I can't. 373 00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:33,802 Well, i can't tell him either. 374 00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:35,562 Oh, hell, I'll tell him. 375 00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:41,434 I'm a black man, everyone already assumes i did it. 376 00:16:41,468 --> 00:16:43,270 Thank you. Thank you so much. 377 00:16:43,303 --> 00:16:45,772 It's just a fish. He'll be fine. 378 00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:47,740 I've decided I'll give blue the new house 379 00:16:47,774 --> 00:16:50,343 at its birthday party later. 380 00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:53,613 It's the damn fish's birthday? 381 00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:55,615 I'm out. 382 00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:59,086 And you're all invited. 383 00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:00,520 Blue's two years old today. 384 00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:03,556 They don't usually live that long. 385 00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:06,226 No, they do not. 386 00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:08,528 That's it, we can't tell him. 387 00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:10,330 Even at han's age, which i am guessing 388 00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:15,268 is somewhere between 14 and 53, 389 00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:17,604 some kids just aren't ready to grow up. 390 00:17:17,637 --> 00:17:18,805 What are we gonna do? 391 00:17:18,838 --> 00:17:20,773 We're gonna run out and buy a new one. 392 00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:22,142 Where are we gonna get the money? 393 00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:25,145 Oleg, you know how two years ago 394 00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:27,147 you offered me $1,000 for a back rub? 395 00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:28,348 Of course. 396 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:32,085 Caroline will do it for $500. 397 00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:34,421 Deal. One last hurrah. 398 00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:35,788 Over the clothes, above the waist, 399 00:17:35,822 --> 00:17:38,525 and i don't know why, but you have to wear a condom. 400 00:17:44,531 --> 00:17:48,301 Yes, father Dominic rosello, please. 401 00:17:48,335 --> 00:17:50,537 Oh, he's celebrating mass? 402 00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:54,374 Oh yeah, could you just tell him that Sophie kachinski 403 00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:57,310 is converting to monogamy? 404 00:17:57,344 --> 00:18:03,316 And uh, she won't be kneeling at his altar anymore. 405 00:18:03,350 --> 00:18:07,887 Oh, yeah, yeah, he'll understand. 406 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,656 Where's han and does he know? 407 00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:13,260 No, but i can't keep pretending i see that fish. 408 00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:15,262 I'm a pot-head with a touch of glaucoma. 409 00:18:15,295 --> 00:18:17,497 I'm seeing stuff that's not there. 410 00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:19,199 Not seeing stuff that's there 411 00:18:19,232 --> 00:18:21,701 it's confusing. 412 00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:23,170 Okay. Come on, come on. 413 00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:24,704 Put it in, put it in, put it in. 414 00:18:24,737 --> 00:18:26,806 I have a whole new respect for every guy 415 00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:29,542 that's ever gone out with you. 416 00:18:29,576 --> 00:18:31,611 Happy birthday, blue! 417 00:18:31,644 --> 00:18:36,816 (Han) Happy birthday. Happy birthday, blue. 418 00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:37,884 Where's blue? 419 00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:39,252 I haven't seen her all day. 420 00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:40,287 I just saw it. 421 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,655 Yeah, it was definitely there. 422 00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:44,357 You're not gonna give blue that cupcake 423 00:18:44,391 --> 00:18:46,259 without a photo-op, are you? Where's your iPad? 424 00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:49,529 I just saw it. Yeah, it was definitely there. 425 00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:50,497 Yeah, han, go! 426 00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:52,765 You need a pic so you can post it on Facebook 427 00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:54,201 or fishbook or whatever. 428 00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:55,602 Good idea. Here, hold this. 429 00:18:56,669 --> 00:18:59,639 Hey, Caroline, you look less flat. 430 00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:02,475 You finally get that boob job you needed? 431 00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:06,846 I feel like the baggy broke. 432 00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:13,220 Yup, that's what happens when you get the cheap implants. 433 00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:15,188 Oh, my god, there is definitely something 434 00:19:15,222 --> 00:19:16,656 moving around in my bra. 435 00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:20,260 Well, it's good you can still recognize that feeling. 436 00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:22,562 It's right... oh! Oh! I touched it! 437 00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:23,530 Gross! 438 00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:25,932 Someone, put your hand in my bra and help me. 439 00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:28,835 Why now? Now that I'm off the market! 440 00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:30,537 No, no, no, no, no, no. 441 00:19:30,570 --> 00:19:32,905 I'm afraid I'm gonna squish it and kill it again. 442 00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:37,944 Okay, just get up on the counter and drop it in the tank. 443 00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:39,412 What? 444 00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:42,849 Get up on the counter, spread your legs, 445 00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:46,619 and just let it fall into the tank. 446 00:19:46,653 --> 00:19:47,887 You know what? 447 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:51,724 Forget the back rub. After this, we're square. 448 00:19:51,758 --> 00:19:54,261 Okay, straddle the tank, pull out your uniform, 449 00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:55,995 and let it go. 450 00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:58,398 Now i owe you money. 451 00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:02,969 Just squat over the tank like you're delivering 452 00:20:03,002 --> 00:20:05,204 a fish baby. 453 00:20:06,973 --> 00:20:08,975 I'm delivering a fish baby? 454 00:20:09,008 --> 00:20:11,311 This is where I'm at? 455 00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:13,746 Stop asking. That's where you're at. 456 00:20:24,824 --> 00:20:29,729 Okay, now that i saw, right? 457 00:20:29,762 --> 00:20:30,797 Caroline, get down! 458 00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:33,333 It's not that kind of party. 459 00:20:38,638 --> 00:20:40,807 Max, you're really still gonna send t-rux back? 460 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,342 After we got bullied by a kid 461 00:20:42,375 --> 00:20:44,677 with a tiffani Amber thiessen pillow? 462 00:20:44,711 --> 00:20:48,014 Relax, t-rux is right over there by the register. 463 00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:49,749 And by the way, he's our first employee. 464 00:20:49,782 --> 00:20:52,352 Anytime we get a bone-head, customer, he can say, 465 00:20:52,385 --> 00:20:53,653 "talk to the fist," 466 00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:56,623 (both) "'Cause the face is pissed." 467 00:20:56,656 --> 00:20:58,491 I'm just sending my mother something 468 00:20:58,525 --> 00:21:00,427 to say thank you for everything she gave me 469 00:21:00,460 --> 00:21:01,628 when i was a child. 470 00:21:01,661 --> 00:21:02,495 Aww, what's in there? 471 00:21:02,529 --> 00:21:04,364 Nothing!